tell me bout it

Despite having lots of schoolwork lined up for me to do tonight, i just had to blog about something. what more if my sad mixed with guilty and a lil part of confused feeling right now is highly overwhelming like a terrible volcano eruption. ouch, my heart hurts. fo' real. you know when you feel something really emotional that you feel your heart is tight and you have to breath in harder than usual. i did cry so, dammit my heart feels so tight right now as i'm trying to battle this emotional shit. so well....

Dad just dropped a BOMB on me. It hit me hard.

*Breaths in and out calmly* i really need that before i start blogging bout it. since mom and dad knew about my involvement in it, i have been having cold relationship with them. basically, i know i'm stuck between my folks and them. folks- totally disagree. them- managed to impress me that they're helping me to suceed in life, no doubt. oh, they are persistent in making sure i stay on their track. me- already am a confused girl, i am even more confused ever since i'm faced with this. at one moment, i'm all into it and determined to go all the way, meaning on their side. at another moment, i'm totally opposite, meaning on my folks side. it's been about 2 months by the way.

so what's my stand? initially i was skeptical. unbelievable that i'd ever end up facing this. i decided to give myself a chance to listen and try it out. i received motivational talks and advice from them. tons of those. they're excellent. i even believe that i could suceed like those honourable leaders there. i know it's a good thing and it does teach me useful life values. my mind was totally into it and i was very determined to have patience in facing rejections. and ahh rejections. there's a lot of that too. from 2 persons only. mom and dad. eventhough rejections coming from only 2 of them, their power was over-the-top. rejection i'm referring doesn't include rejections from 3rd party because i can live up with rejections from 3rd party. at the end of the day, i was doing everything they asked me to, without the knowledge of my folks. it wasn't pleasant living like that for about 2 months. it was a struggle of patience.

what just happened was, as dad entered my room and judging by the way he acts and asked questions, i have this oh-no-something-not-pretty-gonna happen thought. that sense just came by me naturally. hey why didn't i run away just now?!! anyway, true enough, he started his emotional talk soon later. and when dad talks to me in that slow loving yet strong in emotion and seriousness, i will without doubt, feel helpless. that's just how i am. somehow dad has this talent and power of psycho-ing my mind. i can't help it. i never can. once in a blue moon, dad did that to me. i can't control my emotions and i naturally would break down as i thought deeply about his message. i'm not strong enough to even face him while he's talking what more looking into his eyes and absorbing the message he's bringing forward. hence, i back face him. i was listening still. he goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on. he totally made me change my mind. now, i hope i remain having that mind set and not being confused. also considering the fact that i want to end what i have been living up for the past 2 months. i can't hold this mixed stand no more.

so you see, my dad's power totally dominate over their influence. not sayin they gave me bad influence or such. totally not! they're good people! but i believe that everyone should know that different people have different life story. everyone must know this. i never have any intention to hurt anyone's feeling. i really appreciate what they had gave me. from the appointments, transport help, chocolate, income and the list goes on. and ahh damn, i can never repay them. i am feeling terribly guilty towards them. oh no! how am i going to break this terrible news to them in like 2 days time. i really hope i'm strong enough to break the bad news to them. i don't want them to have any negative impression on me when i gave them this shit. just so they know, i've tried, really hard.

DON'T EVER ASK ME WHAT THE 'IT' or 'THEY' REFERS TO. I INTEND TO MAKE THE WORDS VAGUE. YOU'LL MAKE ME SAD IF YOU ASK ME ABOUT THIS OKAY.